For some, pain is something that presents itself every once in awhile. For others, pain makes its presence known on a daily basis. Whether it is emotional or physical pain, pain takes a toll on its victims. I have dealt with the emotional pain of anxiety, depression, and abuse (verbal, some physical) since I was very young. One of the biggest problems is when the pain is so frequent that it becomes normal to you. When you are used to being inflicted with pain, you allow people to hurt you time and time again. You don’t recognize that these toxic people are bringing you down further and further. It takes something big and heartbreaking to shake you, to wake you up from the nightmare you have been trapped in.
In late July, I broke up with my fiancee. I have never been so heartbroken in my life. In my head I didn’t want to end things, but apparently my heart knew better. For months, things had been wonderful between us. I truly felt that I had found my soul mate. My life took a turn for the worse, and I ended up depressed as a result. She did her best to be supportive at first, but I could tell things weren’t the same between us. I eventually found what seemed to be the perfect job, but she seemed to resent how excited I was about the opportunity. Months went by with our roller coaster relationship going up and down. I found myself feeling down and unsure about our relationship. Were we going to last? What had happened to our perfect relationship? Things got bad again…really bad. We went from planning our future together to planning on what we would do if we broke up. Constant fighting, bickering, and stepping on egg shells led to me starting to pack my bags. Once things cooled off, we were able to work on our problems and we kissed and made up. I felt happy, relieved even. Things were working themselves out, I thought. It wasn’t long before things got bad again. I felt as if I was unable to be myself around her without making her angry at me. I tried my best to change any annoying habits or behavior, so she wouldn’t flip out on me. One day she came home and said we needed to talk. She explained that she needed space to figure things out. She reassured me that there was no one else. I asked questions to better understand her situation, but of course it didn’t really add up. She told me she wanted me to move out while she figured out what she wanted and needed. She expressed that she did still love me and hoped I would be there when she worked her problems out. It’s a long story, but to keep it shorter…there were a few people she was “talking to” while we were still together. There was indeed someone else.
The moral of the story is…pain hurts, but it is a tool for everyone to use and learn from. We accept the love we think we deserve. In this case I felt that I deserved that kind of treatment from my fiancee, because I was used to being treated that way by others. Do I still think of my ex as my soul mate? No. I didn’t realize at first all of the good that came out of this break up, because the pain of letting go was too much. After a month or two, I realized how much better off I am. I don’t have to constantly tip toe around anyone anymore. I am free to find someone who thinks I’m funny…someone who l can be myself around. Everyone deserves a person who will love them…flaws and all.